Sunday, November 16, 2008

Getting Kids to Listen - Part 2

. Sunday, November 16, 2008

Getting Kids to Listen - Part 2

Elizabeth Pantley, author of "Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting" says instead of yelling there are some easy steps parents can take to get kids to do what they ask.

Think Before You Speak

Sometimes as adults we ask our children to do things before we think of what we are doing or what the consequences are. Instead of just yelling your kids it’s for everyone to get ready to go out to eat and then taking another 15 minutes to find your car keys, find the keys first. Before you ask them to clean their rooms and let them get away with not doing so for days, decide exactly how long you will allow them to stay dirty. These kinds of things help "create kids who have selective hearing" says Pantley. Children don’t listen unless they know it will impact them in some way. Why should they? We all have to have a reason to listen!" adds child psychologist, Susan Quinn.

Be Very Specific

Do not give incomplete requests that are hinting at the things you would like your child to do, hoping their good hearts will prevail. "It would be nice if you.." or "Don’t you think you should??.." is not clear and specific.

"Children don’t listen unless they know it will impact them in some way. Why should they? We all have to have a reason to listen!" adds Susan Quinn, MA, Marriage and Family Therapist.

Control Your Emotions, Convey Authority

"Pantley notes that when you, as a parent, "lose your temper and raise your voice" logically you think that "your kids will pay closer attention to you." But the opposite is actually true as kids "key in on your anger." Instead of yelling "keep your voice even and calm and your words clear and specific."

Get Up Close And Personal

Everyone is guilty of it- yelling from across the room or house. "While it is a whole lot easier to yell from two rooms away, its much less effective. Children respond much, much better to a parent who is facing them eye-to eye," says Pantley. "Get down to their level and explain why they need to listen," adds Elise.

Being Physically Close, Eye-to-Eye

It’s not only helps you make a point better but also helps you observe whether your child is looking at you and listening or looking at the ceiling, laughing, talking under his or her breath at siblings or friends or sighing at your requests.

Pantley urges parents to post a reminder of the steps she suggests at home (See box.) to practice their skills in getting their children to listen. "You need to remind yourself of what you are trying to do and to keep your goals fresh in your mind…It’s a tough job, but with a few new skills and enough practice you will be successful."

Be Unified, Set Limits

"Parents need to be unified in what they expect and what they convey to their children. It’s always important to have a common, unified front," says Paul Gettinger, a family physician who is also the father of five young children.

"If parents set AND ENFORCE limits, children will be interested in listening because we as people always listen to what is going to affect our lives. The problem I sometimes find and what I try to educated parents with is that limits are loving and they must be enforced because they contain and teach the child what to expect. Limits represent the real world and so they (children) have to learn them to exist in society," notes Quinn.

Susan Smith, a musician and mother of six children ages 2 through 12 says one of the biggest problems with parents keeping their children in line is "lack of direction. With our kids, we have learned that you have to decide as an adult what you want and expect and to tell them the rules."

Remember, You Are Not Their Friend, You Are Their Parent!

You can’t be your child’s best friend- "The number one problem with many parents is that they want to be their child’s buddy. There is so much inconsistency in these kinds of families. Often these are the parents who give them too much stuff, such as toys, as well to make them happy," says Smith.

"Children need the boundaries. Being a "best friend" to a child is great but at some point I think that the respect issue or lack of respect comes into play. When you are a parent and set boundaries and consequences as well as discipline, you can’t be the best friend also. A best friend is a peer that understands and feels a kinship to you. Being a "best friend" is not effective in most situations because the child becomes confused as to what role the parent is playing in their lives and will become less likely to follow the rules or accept the consequences to their actions," says Snead.

All Parents Are Capable

"Parents are dedicated in helping children grow up strong. Most of all, parents have a built-in motivation to do what’s best for their child. By building on these kinds of strengths, parents can develop better who is in charge of their lives and succeed," says the US Department of Health and Human Services, SAMSA, National Mental Health Information Center.

Some useful reminders:

Think first.

Be specific.

Control Emotions.

Convey authority.

Eye-to-eye.


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Getting Kids to Listen - Part 1

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Getting Kids to Listen - Part 1

Amy Stouder knows that she shouldn’t yell at her kids to get their attention, but sometimes it just comes out.

"When I am stressed, I guess I can’t help myself. I get frustrated and I yell, "says Amy, a parent of three young children who is also a part-time at-home caregiver for her children and others.

Taking a deep breath and walking away and then coming up with the right words spoken in a quieter tone of voice works much better during these times she notes, adding she is "only human, just like other people, about the occasional outburst of shouting that she hopes will grab their attention.

Getting a child to listen is a lot more work and takes more effort than venting out our frustrations, but it is well worth the effort and everyone can learn to do it say experts including an author, the US Department of the Health and Human Services, National Mental Health information Center, family counselor and two nannies.

DON’T SHOUT!!

When a parent yells to get their child to listen, many people think that they are rightfully doing so. What if a child is screaming in the cereal aisle asking for her favorite cereal, or in another instance, a child is yelling and slapping his brother in church? The truth is shouting is a mistake in getting children to listen. By not screaming and shouting you can often get the behavior you are looking for, say experienced nannies.

"Stay calm. If you are calm and reason with children on their own level, most times this is effective because the child will actually listen to you. Having someone calmly explaining the situation and consequences of the child’s actions also seems to work. There isn’t the loss of control on either part..but sometimes when the shouting starts as with older children, it end up being the child and parent both losing control and then no one really gets heard and nothing gets solved,: says Jill E. Snead, a Nanny Counselor with Nanny On The Net.

"I think it is a parent or caregiver’s first instinct to yell. But I remind myself how much I hate to be yelled at and I try really hard not to do the same to others. Even though yelling might get their attention initially, in the long run I don’t believe it encourages any kind of positive behavior and it just makes them think it’s ok for them to yess also," adds Elise Schiellack, a nanny with A New England Nanny in Albany, New York who thinks children can drown out the yelling if it becomes habit. "They get so used to their parents screaming that they don’t pay attention to what they’re actually getting yelled at for," says Elise.

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Understanding Your Teenager’s Stress

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Understanding Your Teenager’s Stress

I remember my teenage years very fondly compared to the stresses of being a parent and head of the household. As adults and parents many of us are faced with unending bills and various responsibilities that can sometimes get the best of all of us. As adults we have to deal with more complex issues and responsibilities that may have surpassed our wildest dreams and expectations. Clearly, when we were younger, we never fully understood the complexities of being an adult until you became one. Naturally, your teenage child may not be able to fully comprehend this truth. However, that does not mean the situations they have to deal with is any less important to them and understanding this helps us better communicate with our teens.

In todays world it can be especially tougher to be a teenager than it was in our time, it is important to be able to respect and understand that your child may be going through some very stressful times. This means that it helps to be able to acknowledge in ourselves that while we may be under stress from jobs, bills or other situations, our child may be under stress too and his or her stress is in no way inferior to yours. Helping them through their stress and showing that our own stress does not get us down and that we can overcome can help our kids grow into resiliant adults.

Many parents of teenagers often fall into the trap of a power struggle with their children once they hit adolescence. This happens because this is the stage in your child’s life where he or she will begin to assert their own identity and this may cause the unprepared parent to feel threatened in importance and authority.

It is however very important and key to understand that our child is indeed an individual and it is therefore very equally important for him or her to be able to adjust properly into adulthood. Instead of feeling threatened and acting on the offensive, it is necessary to be the magnanimous and understanding party here. This means that you will need to learn to choose your battles wisely.

I don’t like the word battle. Instead, think of it as finding win win situation for you and your teenage child. This will allow you and your child to avoid unnecessary stresses. Learning when it is important to assert yourself and when it’s ok to just let things slide can be a difficult process for a parent because naturally, you will want to control every situation to ensure the safety and happiness of your child. However, realize that you need to prepare your child for the challenges of adulthood and being a control freak will certainly not help and can be quite counter productive. Please understand that this does not mean being a permissive parent, it is still important to set boundaries and guidelines.

You will need to understand that giving in is not a sign of weakness. In fact, being flexible and understanding is a true sign of courage and strength and in time, your teenage child will grow up into adulthood and hopefully learn and incorporate this piece of wisdom into his or her life. Also, knowing when to give in and when to set your foot down will show your child that you trust their judgment and are willing to treat them as grown ups. Putting your foot down when necessary communicates the point that they are not adults yet and will still need to depend and look to you as a guide.

If you are having difficulty deciding when you can bend when you have to stand your ground when it comes to issues with your teenage child, you can decide to categorize concerns into to classifications: temporary and life changing. While you may think that everything your teenage child goes through now is life changing, nit picking about cleaning up a messy room or eating vegetables is something that you can give them a little leeway on.

The teenage years are the final years of childhood. We need to give them room to grow and let them make some of their own mistakes. As parents we will not always be there in person and they will need to learn to stand up for themselves and cope with their own mistakes. Parents despite being much older may have the wisdom and the answers to some of life’s problems but some things are better learned in the eyes of the teenager. When they need us we need to be there for them and show them suppor and to also be there to help coach them through difficult situations. What is most important is building the level of trust and love in your child so that no matter what goes wrong in their life they always have someone to talk to and to know that they can rebound from any situation. It is important they know that they will be ok.

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Understanding Your Teenager's Emotional Health

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Understanding Your Teenager's Emotional Health

What should I know about my teenager's emotional health?

The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood into adulthood. Teens often struggle with being dependent on their parents while having a strong desire to be independent. They may also feel overwhelmed by the emotional and physical changes they are going through.

At the same time, teens may be facing a number of pressures-- from friends to fit in and from parents and other adults to do well in school or activities like sports or part-time jobs. The teenage years are important as your child asserts his or her individuality.

What can I do to help my teen?

Communicating your love for your child is the single most important thing you can do. Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents react to them. For this reason, it's important for parents to help their children feel good about themselves. It is also important to communicate your values and to set expectations and limits, such as insisting on honesty, self-control and respect for others, while still allowing teenagers to have their own space.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems, and they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism. Although teens need feedback, they respond better to positive feedback. Remember to praise appropriate behavior in order to help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment and reinforce your family's values.

Establishing a loving relationship from the start will help you and your child through the teenage years.

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) suggests the following ways for parents to prepare for their child's teenage years:

  • Provide a safe and loving home environment.
  • Create an atmosphere of honesty, trust and respect.
  • Allow age-appropriate independence and assertiveness.
  • Develop a relationship that encourages your teen to talk to you when he or she is upset.
  • Teach responsibility for your teen's belongings and yours.
  • Teach basic responsibility for household chores.
  • Teach the importance of accepting limits.

What warning signs should I look for?

Remember that your teen may experiment with his or her values, ideas, hairstyles and clothing in order to define him- or herself. This is typically normal behavior and you shouldn't be concerned. However, inappropriate or destructive behavior can be a sign of a problem.

Teens, especially those with low self-esteem or with family problems, are at risk for a number of self-destructive behaviors such as using drugs or alcohol or having unprotected sex. Depression and eating disorders are common health issues that teens face. The following may be warning signs that your child is having a problem:

  • Agitated or restless behavior
  • Weight loss or gain
  • A drop in grades
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Ongoing feelings of sadness
  • Not caring about people and things
  • Lack of motivation
  • Fatigue, loss of energy and lack of interest in activities
  • Low self-esteem
  • Trouble falling asleep
  • Run-ins with the law

What should I do if there is a problem?

Work together to maintain open communication. If you suspect there is a problem, ask your teen about what is bothering him or her. Don't ignore a problem in the hopes that it will go away. It is easier to cope with problems when they are small. This also gives you and your teen the opportunity to learn how to work through problems together. Don't be afraid to ask for help with dealing with your teen. Many resources, including your family doctor, are available.

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