Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Quick Tips for Parents

. Tuesday, May 19, 2009


  • No matter how old your children are, know where they are, whom they are with, and what they are doing. This helps prevent problems and shows your kids that you care about them.
  • Never use spanking or other forms of physical punishment with your child. An occasional swat on the rear end is okay as an attention-getter, but it should never be the punishment.
  • You can criticize a child’s behavior, but never criticize the child.
  • Never verbally put down your child. There’s a difference between correcting your child and attacking your child.
  • Be a “5-to-1” parent. Every time you give your child a consequence for misbehavior, provide five opportunities for him or her to earn your praise or a reward.

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Bad Friendships

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At one time or another, most teens find themselves in a bad friendship. Maybe the actions or words of a so-called friend make your teen uncomfortable or embarrassed. If you’re concerned your child may get involved in a bad relationship, share with him or her some of the warning signs.

Here are things your teen should watch out for:

* You can’t be yourself without getting criticism from your “friend.”
* Your “friend” doesn’t give you any space.

* Your “friend” is pushy, wanting everything his or her own way.

* Your “friend” is overly critical of you and others.
* Your “friend” is jealous of you and other friends.

* Your “friend” may lie to you, teachers or parents.

* You feel that your “friend” directs “put-downs” toward you and others.

* Your “friend” does not treat you as an equal.

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The Bully, The “Bullied” and The Bystander

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Wherever there are children, there are bullies. In your neighborhood. In your school. Maybe in your own home.

Bullies use fear to get away with unacceptable behavior. Their victims (the “bullied”) fear continued abuse if they tell. Bystanders fear becoming the next victim. The “bullied” suffer in silence while repeatedly getting harassed. Bystanders stay silent to avoid the unwanted attention. It’s a vicious, unending cycle.

Studies on bullying show that younger and weaker youth are victimized most often. In addition, the bully-victim relationship tends to continue unless there is some sort of intervention from parents or other adults.

Bullies come in all sizes, ages and genders. The tactics they use vary widely. Some get physical. Others play on emotion. Boys often use force (punching, kicking, tripping, etc.). Girls often rely on subtle actions (gossip, manipulation, exclusion, etc.). Other characteristics include:

* Bullies are impulsive
* Bullies have little, if any, empathy
* Bullies do not suffer from low self-esteem
* Bullies need to control and dominate others
* Bullies have a positive attitude toward aggression
* Bullies have more physical or emotional power than their victims
* Bullies have a strong desire to get or achieve something they feel they need


The Victim

Bullies like to pick on those who can’t or won’t stick up for themselves. Unfortunately, many victims lack the social skills and social networks that can keep them from being victimized. As a parent, you can help bully-proof your child by doing the following:

* Teach Your Teen To Be A Friend

There is strength in numbers. Encourage your teen to develop friendships. If he or she has a special interest – sports or music – find programs that your teen can participate in. The more social interactions he or she has, the more friendships that can develop. Your teen will also become better skilled at dealing with a variety of personalities and handling different social interactions.

* Build Your Teen’s Social Skills

Humor can be a powerful weapon for disarming a bully. The ability to laugh at oneself first, rather than laughing at someone else’s expense, is a skill everyone needs. Teach your teen friendship skills, including getting along with others and showing appreciation. The bottom line for your teen: He or she has to act like a friend to have a friend.

* Teach Your Teen Self-Respect

Kids who can hold their heads high and walk with confidence are less likely to be singled out. Some victims actually believe they deserve to be attacked because of a self-perceived flaw in how they look, the way they talk, how they dress or any number of reasons. They start acting like victims. They become withdrawn. They slouch and avoid eye contact.

You need to remind your teen of his or her strengths. Encourage your teen to use positive self-talk during difficult moments. Help him or her see challenges as opportunities.


The Bystander

It can be very hard for a teen to take a stand and defend someone who is being bullied, especially if the victim is considered to be a “loser” or “weird.” Has your teen ever described a bullying situation, and have you ever asked what he or she did to stop it?

Some bystanders are too afraid to get involved. They don’t want to be a target. Some experience feelings of guilt because they did nothing. If a victim is a friend or classmate, some bystanders choose to disassociate themselves from the victim. Others blame the victim.

As a parent, it’s important to teach and reinforce virtues such as caring and respect. Here are things you can do to instill these values in your teen:

* Model respect and kindness at home. If you and your spouse are considerate and compassionate to each other and your family, your child will likely treat others the same way.

* Show respect for those in authority, including teachers and police officers.

* Have positive expectations for your child’s behavior. Praise your child’s acts of kindness and discipline him or her for bad behavior.

* Encourage your teen to volunteer in the community. This will give your teen a sense of obligation to others.

Bullying is a difficult problem that only gets worse when it’s ignored. Victims and bystanders can’t be expected to resolve the issue all on their own. Talk to school administrators to find out how they are dealing with the problem. If necessary, you or a representative from the school should contact the parents of bullies and make them aware of their children’s behavior.

Pretending the problem doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. Everyone must correct the behavior when it happens and be proactive in trying to prevent bullying.

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Cyber Bullying Help, Tips and Advice

. Saturday, May 16, 2009

By: Laura Buddenberg and Kathy McGee
Boys Town Training, Evaluation and Certification

April: god it sounds like sam had more fun with you then he ever does with me.

Brittany: now that isn’t true!!!

April: he is gonna cheat…so I will have nothing to live for anymore… so im gonna just plan on killin myself sometime soon. I wish you weren’t gonna let him cheat Brittany, its not fair to me…but I guess if you want to let him that’s fine…ill just start planning on how its gonna end for me…i’m not good enuf 4 him

Brittany: u r good enuf 4 him!

April: he hates me, you hate me, and im going to kill myself and if you send this convo to him in an email like you did the last one…im going to kill myself right now


Dialogue from an adult daytime drama? Scene from a teen slasher movie? No, it’s a real instant messaging (IM) conversation between two teen girls who HAVE NEVER EVEN MET IN PERSON! This same type of cyber bullying is happening all over the Internet, on email and on personal Web pages, like MySpace, Xanga, Facebook and YouTube.

Wake up, Mom and Dad. Kids everywhere use the Internet and it’s not just a benign modern distraction. The Web is being used as a blunt weapon of relational aggression and mass destruction. Sure, some kids use it to find out about Friday’s math homework or what time everyone’s meeting at the mall. But youngsters often wield the Internet for much more sinister purposes. It is tailor made for aggression. Kids are drawn to its power for spreading gossip quickly, anonymously and to an infinite audience.

The Internet is like the old child’s game “telephone,” only on steroids. Misunderstandings proliferate. Words can hurt. The Internet inflames that harm.

It starts with online anonymity. You can pretend to be someone else. You can listen to others’ conversations behind their backs. You can get caught up in the moment. Because you aren’t face-to-face and there’s no immediate personal feedback, you might say things you’d never say in person (37% of kids who go online report they’ve done just that!). This makes it easy to spread untruths and gossip or to talk nasty, because no one sees you. The Internet is a boundary-less environment.

This talk is worse than a verbal rumor; those eventually die out. Kids can cut, paste, print or forward the conversations; consequently, a malicious tale can live on forever. Think of the wound that inflicts on a kid.

Has your child been on the receiving end of mysterious rumors? Does he or she suddenly have friendship troubles? Is he or she moodier than usual? Has he or she stopped hanging out with certain people? Check to see if the Web is the culprit.

Don’t be naïve. The Internet is here to stay. Eighty-seven percent of those between the ages of 12 and 17 are online.

So, parents, this is a heads-up. Does your child use instant messaging? Has he or she been the target of, or engaged in, online bullying? If your kids don’t know how to respond when spiteful chat and rumors start, they may do lifelong damage to someone – or get deeply hurt themselves.

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Don't Bailout on Your Family Because of the Tough Economy

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Hopeful Family Solutions in Tough Economic Times

A Message from Father Steven Boes, Boys Town National Executive Director.

As our current economic crisis puts a strain on more families, it may be time for a Parenting Stimulus Package to keep our homes a nurturing place for our children.

At Boys Town programs across the country, we know raising children is not easy even in times of prosperity. Families are struggling and those who are near the edge of despair are being put over the edge.

There is hopeful news for families. There are free or low cost, simple ways to make life easier and improve your relationship with your children.

First, reassure your children things will work out even when money problems lead to parental disagreements. I am blessed to have grown up in a rural community. That didn’t mean we had an easy life and that my mom and dad didn’t fight. We sometimes heard heated exchanges, but my parents always were reassuring. They made it a point to explain adults sometimes disagree. They then gave each other a kiss in front of us, telling us they loved each other and us. Let your children know that families who love each other and are willing to work things out can overcome any problem.

My family’s example is exactly what Father Flanagan spoke of: “There are no bad boys -- Only bad environment, bad training and bad example. Just like my folks, Boys Town tries to reassure its children by showing good example, providing good environments and good training. You, as parents, can do that, too.

Something we find key to helping Boys Town children is training them to make good decisions. In our Common Sense Parenting® classes and book, we have a process called SODAS – Situation, Options, Disadvantages, Advantages and Solution – that works in any family.

For example, money may be tight, and the children want to buy expensive video games. Parenting with SODAS will present children with the Situation of what resources are available for recreation, food and clothes. The next step is to help them go through the Options of how to use those resources. You can teach your children to weigh the Advantages and Disadvantages of the Options. It will help them arrive at a reasonable Solution like renting a DVD, popping popcorn and enjoying an activity as a family. This solution will not only be less expensive, but will promote family togetherness – which is what children really want.

SODAS can be applied to almost any problem. It also will create a bond between you and your children and reduce problem behaviors because your children are part of the solution.

My final message is for families running out of options. Everyone needs help. Parents, no matter how tough it is, never give up on your children. However, if you are so tired and stressed you are about to give up; it is time to ask for help.

Connect with a friend, family member, church or school group to get help. You also can reach out to Boys Town. Our Boys Town National Hotline for parents and children is free. You can call 1.800.448.3000 any time and find a calm voice, problem-solving advice and a connection to resources in your community.

If we take a healthy body, mind and spirit approach as a family, we can weather this and any other crisis.

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