The Bully, The “Bullied” and The Bystander

Wherever there are children, there are bullies. In your neighborhood. In your school. Maybe in your own home.

Bullies use fear to get away with unacceptable behavior. Their victims (the “bullied”) fear continued abuse if they tell. Bystanders fear becoming the next victim. The “bullied” suffer in silence while repeatedly getting harassed. Bystanders stay silent to avoid the unwanted attention. It’s a vicious, unending cycle.

Studies on bullying show that younger and weaker youth are victimized most often. In addition, the bully-victim relationship tends to continue unless there is some sort of intervention from parents or other adults.

Bullies come in all sizes, ages and genders. The tactics they use vary widely. Some get physical. Others play on emotion. Boys often use force (punching, kicking, tripping, etc.). Girls often rely on subtle actions (gossip, manipulation, exclusion, etc.). Other characteristics include:

* Bullies are impulsive
* Bullies have little, if any, empathy
* Bullies do not suffer from low self-esteem
* Bullies need to control and dominate others
* Bullies have a positive attitude toward aggression
* Bullies have more physical or emotional power than their victims
* Bullies have a strong desire to get or achieve something they feel they need


The Victim

Bullies like to pick on those who can’t or won’t stick up for themselves. Unfortunately, many victims lack the social skills and social networks that can keep them from being victimized. As a parent, you can help bully-proof your child by doing the following:

* Teach Your Teen To Be A Friend

There is strength in numbers. Encourage your teen to develop friendships. If he or she has a special interest – sports or music – find programs that your teen can participate in. The more social interactions he or she has, the more friendships that can develop. Your teen will also become better skilled at dealing with a variety of personalities and handling different social interactions.

* Build Your Teen’s Social Skills

Humor can be a powerful weapon for disarming a bully. The ability to laugh at oneself first, rather than laughing at someone else’s expense, is a skill everyone needs. Teach your teen friendship skills, including getting along with others and showing appreciation. The bottom line for your teen: He or she has to act like a friend to have a friend.

* Teach Your Teen Self-Respect

Kids who can hold their heads high and walk with confidence are less likely to be singled out. Some victims actually believe they deserve to be attacked because of a self-perceived flaw in how they look, the way they talk, how they dress or any number of reasons. They start acting like victims. They become withdrawn. They slouch and avoid eye contact.

You need to remind your teen of his or her strengths. Encourage your teen to use positive self-talk during difficult moments. Help him or her see challenges as opportunities.


The Bystander

It can be very hard for a teen to take a stand and defend someone who is being bullied, especially if the victim is considered to be a “loser” or “weird.” Has your teen ever described a bullying situation, and have you ever asked what he or she did to stop it?

Some bystanders are too afraid to get involved. They don’t want to be a target. Some experience feelings of guilt because they did nothing. If a victim is a friend or classmate, some bystanders choose to disassociate themselves from the victim. Others blame the victim.

As a parent, it’s important to teach and reinforce virtues such as caring and respect. Here are things you can do to instill these values in your teen:

* Model respect and kindness at home. If you and your spouse are considerate and compassionate to each other and your family, your child will likely treat others the same way.

* Show respect for those in authority, including teachers and police officers.

* Have positive expectations for your child’s behavior. Praise your child’s acts of kindness and discipline him or her for bad behavior.

* Encourage your teen to volunteer in the community. This will give your teen a sense of obligation to others.

Bullying is a difficult problem that only gets worse when it’s ignored. Victims and bystanders can’t be expected to resolve the issue all on their own. Talk to school administrators to find out how they are dealing with the problem. If necessary, you or a representative from the school should contact the parents of bullies and make them aware of their children’s behavior.

Pretending the problem doesn’t exist won’t make it go away. Everyone must correct the behavior when it happens and be proactive in trying to prevent bullying.