Saturday, June 6, 2009

Helping your child deal with death and loss

. Saturday, June 6, 2009



When your family experiences a serious loss, you naturally wonder how to help your young child through such a difficult time. For children, loss can take many forms, from death of a close family member, to the death of a pet, to an out-of-town move by a favorite friend or relative or even your own family. Whatever the source of loss, your child needs your help to understand the feelings of confusion and grief she may experience.

When someone your child loves dies
Death is a permanent separation from a loved one, and young children have little experience with anything that is permanent. Even infants reflect their parents’ emotional state, so it is probable that your baby will feel the difference in your household. She may be fussier than usual, or want to be held by you most of the time. Try to satisfy your baby’s need for comfort as much as possible. Keep routines and surroundings consistent, so there will be familiar cues to reassure your child. Even if you think she doesn’t understand, talk to her about what is going on.

An older toddler or preschooler will experience the death of a loved one more directly. She may ask a lot of questions. Always be honest with your child and be careful to answer what she has asked without overwhelming her with information. You may think you are protecting your child by not telling her about the illness or death of a loved one. Your child will notice that adults are acting differently, and will feel less secure if events are hidden. Talk to your child in simple terms that she can understand, but keep her posted on what is happening. Be aware that her sense of loss may be delayed, as she may not be able to anticipate the future without the person who has died.

Children grieve differently than adults. They may be sad, then begin playing normally, followed by another period of sadness or quiet reflection. Allow your child to talk about her feelings when she brings them up. Share your own feelings, but avoid assuming your child is feeling the same way you do. Don’t try to get your child to reveal private thoughts, but be a good listener and set aside time to engage in quiet conversation over the course of several months.

Remember that young children can be very attached to pets and even to special toys or stuffed animals. Honor their feelings of grief even if the loss does not seem great to you.
When someone moves away
Your child may experience the same grief process during the course of a move. If it is your family that is moving, your child has the added loss of familiar surroundings as well as familiar people for whom she cares. Keep as many things consistent in her life as possible. Moving time is not the time to make big changes like potty training or weaning. Try to set your child’s room up in the same way, at least for awhile, and make sure that security objects and favorite toys aren’t packed away. Eating at a familiar fast food chain can reassure your child that this new place may be okay after all.

Memories are important no matter how a loss occurs. If a friend or relative has moved, do as much as possible to keep in touch. A photograph album with pictures of her old house, neighborhood, and friends can ease a child’s transition to a new home. Photos sent by a friend who has moved can reassure your child that her friend still exists and still remembers her. Talking about a loved one who has died, looking at photos, or keeping special items that remind the child of the person provide important ways for your child to work through her grief.

Your love and care helps your child deal with loss
Nothing is as important to your child as your loving care. It can be stressful to deal with a young child when you are grieving or under duress. Take care of yourself and get the help you need in order to be there for your child. Together you can find the comfort to ease your shared sense of loss.

Talking about illness and death with your child
  • Recognize that children grieve differently than adults. They grieve in “spurts,” interspersing times of sadness with normal play.
  • A child should be prepared for loss when possible. When a death or serious illness occurs, a child should be told as soon as possible, with parents providing support.
  • Talk with children honestly, openly, and use words they understand. Children are very literal; using words like “asleep” or “resting” are confusing and may make the child afraid of sleep. Explain the illness or cause of death, if known.
  • Give a child a chance to share how s/he is feeling. Be non-judgmental. Take the time to talk when your child expresses feelings.
  • Offer the opportunity for children to attend the funeral, memorial service or visitation and honor that decision. Explain what will happen at the service.
  • Children usually have three questions for which they need assurance: Did I cause this to happen? Will this happen to me? Who will care for me now?
Provided by Stepping Stones, a support program for grieving children and adolescents sponsored by BJC Health Systems in St. Louis, Mo.

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