Helping your child learn self-regulation through play

Play is so important for your child’s development. You already know your child gains intellectual skills as he figures out solutions to problems when he plays, but playing can also help your child learn skills such as focusing his attention on a task or sitting still while he plays. This is called self-regulation and it is an important skill for your child to have by the time he enters school.

Self-regulation is important in school readiness Self-regulation is a term that refers to the child’s ability to focus his attention and control his behavior. He must understand what is asked of him in a given situation, monitor his own behavior to see if it matches, and maintain or change what he is doing based on his evaluation. Teachers know the importance of self-regulation. A child who is self-regulated can stay in his seat and focus on the task at hand. He can pay attention to the teacher when she is talking or reading out loud without being unduly distracted. And the self-regulated child can make productive use of time when the teacher is busy with other students; he does not require the teacher’s constant attention to learn.

Developing self-regulation begins at birth. As you watch your baby imitate your sounds, or learn to put himself to sleep, you are watching him build the self-regulation that will help him learn in school. Think about your baby as he learns to reach out and grasp a rattle held in front of him. He has to focus on the toy and control his arm and hand to connect with it. It takes a lot of work and concentration, but your child’s desire to play encourages his effort.

Parents can help
You play an essential role in helping your child develop self-regulation. First and foremost, the close relationship you build with your child helps him to regulate his emotions and his actions. We call this early relationship attachment, and it develops because your baby learns to trust you to fulfill his needs. He can rely on your consistent care and attention, so he learns to quiet and control himself.

Playtime is an excellent opportunity to build your relationship with your child and help him regulate his own behavior. Play is fun for everyone, and when you give your attention to your child and share an enjoyable activity, you strengthen the bond between you. Your child has an innate desire to play, so he is motivated to focus his attention and keep up positive behaviors that allow the play to continue. Here are just two ways you help your child develop self-regulation when you join him in play:

Model language for your child to use. If your child does not use many words yet, your description of what he is doing helps him connect his actions to words. Soon he will be talking and may use “self-talk” to help control his behavior. Self-talk is private speech in which the child “reminds” himself what to do. As your child’s language and emotional development progresses, you will encourage him to use his words to express feelings instead of acting on them. Playtime is a great opportunity to practice using words instead of actions before the situation becomes out of control.

Be a consultant to your child as he plays. As children begin to pretend, they have very simple scripts. Picking up a brush and pretending to brush his hair is a toddler’s idea of pretending. But if you join in the play, you might show him how to brush his teddy bear. If your child is older, you may extend his play by suggesting new roles or new uses for play materials. When your child plays a role, he conforms his behavior to it, and that increases his self-regulation skills.

Self-regulation is also promoted when your child follows the rules of a make believe scenario. Preschoolers will often make up elaborate rules for you when you play with them, such as “Now you are the daddy and you have to go to work but you have to kiss the baby first.” Remember, your child should be in control of the play, and your job is to offer suggestions and follow his lead.

Playing board games or playground games gives you many opportunities to help your child develop self-regulation. In the beginning, keep game rules simple even if you have to modify them to fit your child’s self-regulatory skills. Be patient as you model following the rules for your child, and expect him to want to change the rules in his favor!

With you as a play partner your child will learn the self-control and attention to task he will need later on. Play with your child daily, and watch his self-regulation grow!